


As We Breathe

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Reference to alcohol abuse, iwaoi - Freeform, reference to abuse, very angsty
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-07
Updated: 2016-01-22
Packaged: 2018-05-12 11:54:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5665189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Iwaizumi thought too much these days - replaying old memories and fixing them up as best he could, imagining how things could have been different, how he could have saved his best friend, the love of his life.  None of that changed anything. Oikawa was still gone and always would be, holding permanent ownership of the stars that once lit the night sky and the heart that Iwaizumi was born with but never owned in the first place.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Breathless

**Author's Note:**

> First chapter is quite short unfortunately, also completely untested and only read and fixed up by me... Please let me know of any major mistakes or criticisms!! Much appreciated!!

Iwaizumi Hajime sat cross legged in front of the TV, not paying much attention to anything but the faint white glow dancing across the wall as the screen silently begged for him to look at it. He wasn't sure of anything anymore. He fell back onto the floor and stared up at the ceiling, listening to the rain fall and the cars rush by, splashing water onto the wet roads and pavements. The sky was turbulent, grey, with an occasional flash of lightning brightening the dull clouds followed shortly by the low growl of thunder filling the quiet night. It had been a long time since Iwaizumi's nights were anything but quiet.

He clasped his hands together and placed them behind his head - his hands that were calloused from work and cold from loneliness. He never slept on nights like these, habit getting the better of him even after all these years. He closed his eyes and imagined a familiar warmth pressed against him, holding onto him as if it would never let go. He imagined the smell that accompanied the warmth - the smell of old books and vanilla rain. He imagined soft brown hair with matching eyes and pale skin that was smooth under his rough fingertips. He imagined all of this and sighed, opening his eyes to an empty apartment and a cold sadness that seemed permanently settled in his bones.

He regretted the empty space in his bed when he slept, the sheets feeling cold and empty. He lamented the easy laugh and gentle smile that used to color his waking hours, never allowing for a moment of silence. Iwaizumi thought too much these days - replaying old memories and fixing them up as best he could, imagining how things could have been different, how he could have saved his best friend, the love of his life. None of that changed anything. Oikawa was still gone and always would be, holding permanent ownership of the stars that once lit the night sky and the heart that Iwaizumi was born with but never owned in the first place.

Iwaizumi knew that if love had a sound it would be Oikawa's laugh, if love had a smell it would be old books and vanilla rain and if love had a face, it would be the face of Oikawa Tooru. He also knew that he would never experience love again. As sunlight began to leak in through the cracks in his blinds, the day pushed him into the mechanical movements that accompanied his mediocre life. He was almost surprised as he watched the sun rise every morning from his window, looking down over the busy city and wondering how people could go about their lives like nothing was wrong, wondering how they didn't feel the same dull aching that he felt in his chest every time he breathed. Life was a lucky draw, he decided, and everyone was lucky but him.

He pulled himself away from the foggy window, shuffled over to the kitchen and looked at the calendar that hung on the fridge. His chest tightened as he drew a red line through the previous day's date. The days seemed to blur together until they became weeks, months, years, but one day stood out from all the rest, punctuating his existence and causing him to look twice at his calendar. It had been four years and Iwaizumi still spent everyday in a daze, almost wanting to believe that this was some sick nightmare that he'd wake up from eventually. He placed his forehead against the cold wall of his kitchen, trying desperately to remember how to breathe, his grief ripping his insides up again as if it had been four days and not four years. Life was unfair and it always would be. He'd been convinced for a long time that everything had a clear ending, that everyone got a fair chance - but that simply wasn't true and he found that out the hard way. Sometimes people died in the middle of their lives, when they had so much more to offer. Sometimes people weren't forgiven. A lot of the time, you didn't ever get a chance to say goodbye.

Iwaizumi was forced out of his daze by his phone buzzing loudly on the counter. He reached out and picked it up with numb fingers, checking his messages with an equally numb mind.

**Kuroo**

**Hey, Hajime. Be there in about an hour with the others, k?**

**You**

**K**

Iwaizumi sighed and typed his answer without thinking, shoving his phone into the pocket of his sweatpants and walking over to the couch. He fell face first onto the soft cushions and groaned as he heard the rain start to tap on his window again. He felt his phone vibrate against his leg and pulled it out reluctantly.

**Kuroo**

**Rains every year. It's almost like the world misses him too.**

**You**

**Yeah, well. You can't blame it.**

He paused for a moment before tapping out another quick message.

**You**

**I always miss him.**

He turned his head so that his face was covered by the couch cushion and started screaming, hot tears seeping into the soft grey cotton pressed against his cheeks. Hajime screwed his eyes shut and took a few deep breaths before opening them again. His eyelids were stained with images, memories, things that he could never take back. He still found it difficult to function, even on his best days. His friends knew better than to leave him alone on his worst.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reference to abuse and excessive alcohol usage. Also, I did mean for this to be A LOT longer than it actually ended up being, but I decided to split it into two separate chapters. This is a flashback to when they were seventeen and Iwaizumi has - what he believes to be - an unrequited crush on his best friend. Again, I check my own work so if you could please alert me to any major errors? Thank you!

Iwaizumi's phone rang three times before he picked it up - he'd always been a light sleeper. He groaned and slid his finger across the screen, wincing as the bright light assaulted his still sleep-sensitive eyes.

"Hello?" He asked, yawning and rubbing the sleep out of his eye with his free hand. There was a long pause on the other end of the phone before he heard a soft sniffle and someone finally answered.

"Hajime?" Iwaizumi's heart fell. Something was wrong.

"Oikawa? What's the matter?" He could hear the muffled sounds of cars driving past. "Where are you?" He asked, sitting up and switching on his bedside lamp.

"I don't know... I... My parents were fighting again and I... I was scared, Iwa-chan. I don't know what to do." He was crying. Iwaizumi jumped out of bed immediately, pulled on his shirt and grabbed the house keys on his way out. He was sure his parents would forgive him if it was for something important.

"I'm coming to find you, okay? Can you tell me where you are right now?" The line fell silent but for their breathing and the rush of cars on a busy street.

"Umm... I don't know, near my house? Right by the garage on the corner."

"Okay. I'll be there in ten minutes, don't go anywhere." The line went quiet for a while before Oikawa spoke again.

"Okay."

 

Iwaizumi ran as fast as he could, pushing himself to his absolute limit until he felt his lungs burn and his muscles spasm - but he couldn't stop, he was almost there. He could see the hideous red and yellow neon sign that hung right above the doorway of the cafe that was a two minute walk from Oikawa's house, but a thirty second run for Hajime. He stopped running when he reached the garage and panicked when he didn't see Oikawa right away.

"Oikawa?" He called in a whisper shout, pulling his phone out of his pocket when he didn't get a response. He looked at the time - 2:32am. He called a little louder, "Oikawa?"

"Hey, Iwa-chan." Oikawa said quietly, walking towards Hajime slowly. Iwaizumi's chest tightened - he seemed smaller somehow, his usual confident smile completely forgotten as he stood before his friend, face red and streaked with tears.

"God, Oikawa. I-" He stopped himself. This wasn't the time. "Are you okay?" Oikawa wiped roughly at his eyes with his sleeve and smiled, tilting his head to the side. Iwaizumi knew those fake smiles all too well.

"Just fine, Iwa-chan. I didn't expect to see you so soon." He chuckled, bringing Iwaizumi's attention back to his aching muscles and dry throat. He tried desperately to control his breathing.

"Oh, yeah... I was worried about you, y'know? You sounded pretty upset." Oikawa's smile faded, almost as if he'd forgotten why they were here - two seventeen year old boys, standing on the street at two in the morning.

"I'm really sorry Iwa-chan... I just didn't know who else to call and-" He started to cry again, his puffy red eyes closing tightly in an attempt to stop the tears flowing down his pale cheeks. Iwaizumi wrapped his arms around his friend, not really sure what else to do in this situation.

"Hey, it's okay. It's fine." He said, rubbing Oikawa's back until he had calmed down a bit. "I probably would have come anyway - I'm sure the force would have let me know that you were in trouble or something." Oikawa burst out laughing at that, hiding his face with his hands. Iwaizumi smiled, "What? Did I say it wrong?"

"No, no. I just really wasn't expecting that from you." Oikawa managed between fits of laughter, tears now rolling down his face for entirely different reasons. "Thank you." He added softly as he took a few deep breaths to calm himself. "I really needed that."

"Yeah... no problem." Iwaizumi frowned, remembering their situation, why they were here. "What happened?" Oikawa looked down at his feet, pulling the sleeves of his jacket down over his hands. He wasn't answering. "Come on, Tooru. Please, just tell me what happened."

Oikawa took a deep breath and nodded, "My dad, he came back late from work a-and he..." he began, voice shaking. "He was drunk and my mom tried to stop him, she did, but... but he-" He paused for a moment, trying to collect himself, his scrambled thoughts. "She left. She tried to make me come with her, but I... I don't know. I'm really sorry Iwa-chan, I didn't mean to-"

"Tooru, it's okay. It'll be okay, I promise." Iwaizumi said, pulling him back in. "He didn't... he didn't hurt you, did he?" Oikawa stiffened in Hajime's arms and Hajime took a step back. He looked Oikawa up and down before coming to the conclusion that he was hiding something. He attempted to remain as calm as possible, "Show me."

"N-no, I'm fine. It's fine." Iwaizumi gritted his teeth and held out his hand.

"Show. Me." Oikawa hesitated for a moment before nodding and pulling his jacket over his head. Hajime felt his blood boil. They were minor, but the bruises on Oikawa's skin looked so out of place to Iwaizumi. The thought that anyone had so much as laid a finger on his friend made him feel sick. "Has it ever happened before?"

"What?" 

"Has he ever hurt you before?" He repeated slowly, fists clenched tightly.

'"O-once or twice."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't think... It wasn't that bad then." He pulled his jacket back on as Hajime studied him, dark eyes unwavering.

"You're coming home with me. We'll sort this out together, okay?" Oikawa took a shaky breath. "But I think for now we both just need some sleep." He lay a gentle hand on the small of Oikawa's back and started walking, guiding his friend carefully down the street.

After a long silence, Oikawa nodded. "Okay."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Iwaizumi is around 23 in this chapter, having just lost Oikawa. Anyways, thank you for reading, as always. Also, apologies for the constant angst (it seems my ultimate love of a character always ends with their death). Not all of the events in the chapters directly contribute to Oikawa's death, but a lot of it does (except obviously the ones where he is already dead). I do edit all of my own stuff, so please bring my attention to any major mistakes!! Thank you!

"Oikawa Tooru is," Iwaizumi began, taking a deep breath, " _was_ my best friend." His throat closed around the words, his chest tightening to the point where he wanted to cry out for someone, _anyone_ to stop the pain that shook his body, crashing against him again and again mercilessly. He shook his head and looked down at his cue-cards again, still feeling unsure of the speech he had written and read over far too many times. Looking back up and into the mirror, he sighed and ran a hand through his short hair. He opened his mouth to speak again, but closed it when a thought crossed his mind - _this is pointless. Reciting a pointless speech to a silent room where the only audience is me. Oikawa would laugh._

"I can't do this." He said, mostly to himself. It sounded like an apology. He looked up at the ceiling, trying desperately to prevent the inevitable tears from falling too soon. Iwaizumi wasn't much of a crier by nature, but then, this was a special occasion and there were exceptions to every rule. He was allowed to cry this time, no one could stop him.

"I think you can." Iwaizumi spun around quickly, surprised by the sudden interruption of his thoughts.

"Kuroo." He managed, momentarily stunned by his friend's appearance. "You look nice." Kuroo rubbed the back of his neck subconsciously, quickly readjusting the collar of his plain black suit jacket afterwards. Most surprising, besides the fact that Kuroo had actually bothered to wear a nice suit and iron his shirt, was that his usually unruly mess of black hair was combed back.

"Yeah, well. I figure that Oikawa wouldn't really approve if I showed up to his funeral looking like I usually do. Would probably wake from the dead just to yell at me if I did." He smiled half-heartedly, grimacing at every mention of his friend.

"You're probably right." Iwaizumi agreed, smiling at the thought. "I wish it were that easy."

"You never know, he may just. You look like shit." Iwaizumi laughed as best he could, knowing full well that the lack of sleep and the fact that he barely ate anymore were taking their toll.

"My mom had to force me out of bed. I didn't really want to go." Kuroo sighed and threw an arm around his friend's shoulders.

"He'd be offended if you didn't. It's a party dedicated to him, after all." Iwaizumi looked into Kuroo's eyes, wondering how his friend could be so... calm. As he was met with eyes as stormy and unfocused as his own, though, he finally understood.

 

It had been overcast and cold the whole day, as it had been for almost a week. Iwaizumi found the whole thing to be rather typical - bland and joyless like any other funeral. Oikawa would have hated it. It seemed fitting though, since it was filled with people who barely knew Oikawa at all. Iwaizumi spoke blandly as well, satisfying everyone's need for some sort of closure. Oikawa's mother was there, crying like any mother would at the death of their child. Whether or not his father was there, Iwaizumi never knew. His friends surrounded him, holding onto him as if he would fall apart without their hands holding him together. He felt hollow and broken, knowing that there was no comfort to be had. He tried to breathe, pull air in and out of his lungs that seemed to be failing him - the air too thick and cold to breathe in anyway.

 

Afterwards he was dragged along with his friends to an open field, as dry and barren as his mind at that moment. The cold air stung his cheeks and he was freezing, but looking around at his friends, he knew that they all needed this.

"I thought you may want to let a few things out, y'know?" Kuroo said, shrugging and stuffing his hands into his pockets. Iwaizumi looked unsure, standing awkwardly surrounded by his friends.

"C'mon, man. You know you're going to have to do it sooner or later." Bokuto said, voice a lot quieter and calmer than usual. So, Iwaizumi found himself on his knees, screaming curses at the sky and allowing himself to feel the grief-fueled anger he had been pushing down since that day. He never got to say goodbye, or tell Oikawa that he loved him as much as he should have. He put everything he had into his screams, knowing that he needed it. He also knew that no amount of screaming could ever lessen the pain he was feeling, that nothing could ever lessen the pain and for a split second, he feared that even death couldn't release him. He dug his short fingernails into his skin, feeling the jagged edges where he's bitten them rip painful red lines into him. When he was done, all anyone could do was hold him. There was no release, no comfort, no happiness. They knew. They had all lost a part of themselves when they lost Oikawa, but Iwaizumi believed that he had lost everything. The best parts of him went with the only man he would ever love, into an unknown. Those beautiful chocolate brown eyes - the ones that held entire galaxies and all of Iwaizumi's heart and soul - were closed forever, dull and lifeless just like the people he'd left behind. He felt how very broken everyone was, everyone who had ever met Tooru. He had known for a long time that he was not special, certainly not for loving Oikawa Tooru - most everyone did - but found much later that he was special after all, because Oikawa Tooru loved him too. His only flaw, in Iwaizumi's eyes, was that he never loved himself enough. All of the most beautiful things in life were tragedies, and Oikawa Tooru was no different.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're eighteen in this chapter - it's about eight months after... the incident. Ooooh. (I hope you read the previous chapters, otherwise my reference to an incident would make no sense. Oikawa ended up moving in with his mom and her parents, just in case you were wondering~) Anyways! Finally getting to see some actual Iwaoi! Ah, I know it's taken a while but, well... I'm a real sucker for angst and my love for Oikawa Tooru is boundless. Hence the rambling on about how perfect he is and all of the chapters being from Iwa-chan's point of view (I identify with his love on a spiritual level). Sooo, yes. From friends to lovers. Without further adieu: awkward Iwaizumi and an even more awkward first kiss!

You can never truly pinpoint the exact moment that you fall in love with someone - there is never a sudden change or shift. Love is slow, gradual. Iwaizumi never knew whether it was Oikawa's genuine smile, or the way he would push his hair out of his face when he was concentrating, or the sparkle in his chocolate brown eyes when he talked about something that he loved. He supposed, one day, as he watched his best friend pour over a text book with his glasses slipping down his nose, that it was everything all at once. All of those little everyday things that made Tooru into who he was were ultimately the things he fell for.

"I know I'm pretty Iwa-chan, but you should really stop staring while I'm trying to study. It's awfully distracting." Oikawa said without looking up, pushing his glasses back up and highlighting something. Iwaizumi hoped he wasn't blushing as hard as he thought he was.

"N-no, I was just..." He paused, unsure of how to cover for himself this time, "thinking about how ugly those glasses are." He cringed at his awful excuse and felt like slapping himself as Oikawa looked up, a look of genuine hurt coloring his features. "No, what I meant to say was-"

"Shut up." Oikawa said coldly, cutting him off. "Just shut up already."

"Make me." Iwaizumi's reply was almost instantaneous. His eyes widened as he realized what had just come out of his mouth, watching desperately for Oikawa's reaction. There was a beat of silence between them, filled only with Iwaizumi's erratic heartbeat drumming loudly in his ears. He could see the thought process taking place in Oikawa's eyes, slow realization filling them. His friend's face remained stoic as he leaned in, stopping less than an inch from Iwaizumi's face.

"Okay." He said, the word breathy and blatantly inviting; he didn't hesitate, closing the gap between them when Iwaizumi said nothing. As Oikawa's lips were suddenly pressed to his, Iwaizumi found himself frozen, completely stunned. Oikawa pulled back after a few seconds and looked down, face burning. Iwaizumi felt the loss of the warm softness on his tingling mouth and immediately lamented their presence.

"Uhm-" He began, wanting desperately to run away because of his own stupidity; his own lack of ability to take what he wanted.

"Don't." Oikawa stopped him, smiling sadly. "It's okay, I... I'm sorry Iwa-chan. That was inappropriate." He turned back to his book and buried his face in the crook of his arm.

"No, I-"

"You can go if you want to." Oikawa's voice was muffled by the sleeve of his shirt, almost too quiet to hear. Iwaizumi felt himself being crushed by the weight of his colossal fuck up as he stood up to leave.

"Uh, yeah. I'll just... go then." Oikawa didn't look up as Iwaizumi grabbed his things and left, closing the door softly behind him. He wanted to run back inside and apologize, recapture those soft pink lips and stay there. He didn't. He walked away with regret rushing through his veins and everything in him screaming to go back. He thought back on all of the times he nearly said it - _I love you, Tooru_. All of the times he'd typed it out, almost sending it, but backing out at the last second. He hated himself for letting this happen, for the look on Oikawa's face as he was forced to face the false reality of his unrequited feelings.

 

"I-I'm sorry, Oikawa." His friend looked up at him questioningly, as if the day before had never happened. Iwaizumi knew he remembered though - he hadn't shown up to where they usually sat together. He was worried Iwaizumi wouldn't want to see him anymore.

"For what?" Iwaizumi screwed his eyes shut, wringing his hands nervously in the face of his best friend that he'd known since they were kids.

"For... yesterday." That fake smile that Oikawa usually used exclusively for fan-girls spread over his face, not quite reaching his eyes.

"Oh," He said, waving his hand dismissively, "don't worry about that, Iwa-chan. If anyone should apologize, it's me. Read the signs wrong and all, you know?"

"No." Iwaizumi replied shortly, causing Oikawa to stop short and drop the fake smile.

"What?"

"You didn't read anything wrong, Tooru." Oikawa's breathe caught in his throat audibly at the use of his first name. "I... I was nervous, okay?" When Oikawa still hadn't said anything after almost a minute, his mouth hanging open, Iwaizumi bit his lip. "Say something, Shittikawa."

"Uh... Okay?" Iwaizumi rolled his eyes, exasperated.

"Okay what, dumbass?" He hissed, looking around to make sure no one was listening in on their conversation.

"Well... you haven't asked me anything yet Iwa-chan, but there's no need to be so rude." He said, pouting like a small child.

"God, you're lucky you're cute." Iwaizumi mumbled to himself, crossing his arms firmly over his chest. Oikawa's eyes lit up mischievously as he stood, using his height to his advantage as he lifted Iwaizumi's chin.

"I'm... what?" He teased.

"A dumbass." Iwaizumi snapped, shifting away and hoping that the burning in his cheeks wasn't visible.

"Ah! So rude Iwa-chan!" Oikawa scolded half-heartedly, the sparkle never leaving his eyes. "But, I bet, since I'm so... what was it that you said? Oh, yes. Since I'm so _cute_ ," he paused, pushing a stray strand of hair out of his eyes and looking purposefully at Iwaizumi, "that you'll have something to _ask_ me." Iwaizumi narrowed his eyes.

"Mm, maybe I won't. You can date yourself if you think you're so cute." He said, imitating Oikawa's dismissive hand flick perfectly. As his friend's mouth fell open again, he turned on his heel and began walking out.

"Well Iwa-chan," He heard from behind him, in a voice that was far too confident. He paused, but didn't turn around, waiting for Oikawa to finish his sentence. "maybe I will do the asking." Iwaizumi's eyes widened as he heard the threat behind those seemingly innocent words. He turned slowly, seeing the same threat in Oikawa's eyes.

"You wouldn't." He said, but he wasn't sure. _I honestly wouldn't put it past him..._ The look that crossed his friend's face said it clearly enough, _Oh... but I would, Iwa-chan._ He almost didn't have time to react as he saw Oikawa open his mouth.

"Iwa-chan~" He sang loudly, so that every other student standing in the classroom turned to them curiously. "I-" He was cut off just in time by Iwaizumi's strong hand clamping over his mouth firmly.

"Shut up!" He seethed, but Oikawa lifted an eyebrow. Soon, Iwaizumi's hand flew away from his mouth and was being furiously wiped on Iwaizumi's pants.

"Make me."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't suppose I have to tell you this again, but I do edit my own work so please, please, please tell me about any major errors or inconsistencies!! Thank you!! Also, obviously, kudos and comments are welcome!! Please and thank you!!


	5. Chapter 5

Iwaizumi was sure that he wasn't the first to notice, but nobody else had said anything. Oikawa was limping, badly. He was practically dragging his right leg, wincing with every slight bit of pressure he attempted to put on it. He'd been favoring his right knee for a while now, but Iwaizumi was sure that it was never to this extent. He had to intervene before the situation got worse; knowing Oikawa, it certainly would.

"Oi, Shittikawa!" Iwaizumi called as practice ended and Oikawa fell heavily onto the bench.

"Yes? What is it, Iwa-chan?" He asked in his usual teasing tone, plastering that fake smile on his face that could've fooled almost anyone. Almost. To Iwaizumi, that smile looked more like a pained grimace.

"What's up with your knee?" He asked bluntly, knowing far better than to sugarcoat anything when it came to Oikawa.

"Nothing. Why would you think there was something wrong with my knee?" Oikawa questioned, as if he were completely oblivious to the fact that he'd been practically hopping around on one foot the entire day. Iwaizumi frowned and narrowed his eyes at the boy sitting in front of him.

"Don't be an idiot. It's obvious that your knee is fucked. Now, are you going to tell the coach, or am I?" Oikawa looked down, hands tightly clutching the edge of the bench.

"Hajime..." He warned, his knuckles turning white. "Drop it."

"No. I can't let you play if you're injured." Iwaizumi said firmly, knowing full well how stubborn Oikawa could and would be.

"Drop. It." The words were low and dangerous, the warning suddenly sounding like a threat.

"Why?"

"It's not your place to tell me when I can and can't play. I decide that and right now, I'd really appreciate if you would just fucking drop it." His tone lightened up a bit as the other players walked by, sounding more like himself but this time, his words were blatantly threatening.

"No." Iwaizumi replied simply.

"I'm being serious."

"So am I." At that, Oikawa pushed himself up off of the bench and stood before Iwaizumi.

"Just leave me alone! I don't need you to baby me!" His voice echoed throughout the gym, bouncing off of the walls and resonating within Iwaizumi's mind. He stayed silent for a moment, shocked at the outburst.

"I-"

"Just leave, Hajime!" The sentence hung between them, making the air feel thick and Iwaizumi felt like he couldn't breathe.

"Fine." Iwaizumi knew it wasn't a breakup. It was just a fight - a normal fight, but something in their words felt too final, too closed off. Iwaizumi stormed off, turning his back on Oikawa and not looking back.

 

"Shi-Oikawa?" Iwaizumi called as he knocked on the door. Oikawa's mother had let him in, having called him earlier to ask what had happened between them. Iwaizumi didn't tell - as much as he wished he could. He tried again when he was met with silence, only to end up on the floor with his forehead pressed against the cool wood that separated him and Oikawa.

"Go away." Oikawa yelled, the sound muffled and weak.

"No."

"You'll end up sleeping out there, I'm not letting you in." Oikawa said firmly, his voice slightly less muffled but still breaking. He was definitely crying.

"I'll wait out here forever if that's what it takes." There was a brief pause and a sharp intake of breath on the other side of the door.

"...Really?" Oikawa's voice was a lot closer now and Iwaizumi could hear him slide down against the other side of the door.

"Really."

"I'm sorry." Oikawa replied softly, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Me too." It was almost a solid ten minutes before Hajime spoke again, "Tooru?"

"Yeah?" Iwaizumi sighed, running a hand through his short hair and resting his cheek on the door.

"I love you." The air around them went still, the sentence hanging unanswered between them. "Oikawa?"

"Y-you do?"

"Of course." Iwaizumi heard Oikawa shift and shortly afterwards, the lock clicked and soft footsteps could be heard heading away from the door. Iwaizumi stood up and opened it tentatively, taking the unlocked door as permission to go in. Oikawa sat on his bed, long legs pulled to his chest and face tucked into his knees.

"Hey." He mumbled, looking up at Iwaizumi with red eyes. Hajime allowed a soft smile onto his lips as he walked towards the bed, sitting down next to his boyfriend and wrapping a strong arm around him.

"Everything will be okay."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"Hey, Iwa-chan?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you too."


	6. Chapter 6

As he drove away, all that Iwaizumi could think was that forever hardly ever lasts as long as you want it to. It had been coming for a long time, he knew, but still he clung on to the foolish hope that his and Oikawa's forever really could last as long as they thought it would. He had expected to feel sad that it was over now, for good probably, but he realized that he'd been sad for a while already. It had been over the day Oikawa gave up and Iwaizumi could still picture the gloss over those eyes - the eyes of the man he loved - as he stared at nothing but his own delusions on the plain white ceiling.

(Two weeks. It had been two weeks and Oikawa had barely moved from the bed. Something had snapped in him the day he was told he would never be able to play again, Iwaizumi had seen it.

_"He's twenty three! This can't be it for him; volleyball is his life. I... God, are you sure?"_

_"Torn beyond repair. There really is nothing we can do but make him slightly more comfortable."_

It had been his right knee. Twenty three years old and his knee had given out on him during a game. The memory haunted them both, but Oikawa had taken it harder than even Iwaizumi had anticipated. He wasn't even sure if Oikawa was in as much pain as he claimed anymore, very hesitantly giving him as much morphine as he could without killing him - he always begged and cried for more, but Iwaizumi knew exactly how much was enough and never budged on it. It was slowly killing Iwaizumi to watch the life drain out of his best friend and lover's eyes.

"Tooru?" He whispered as he opened the door to their bedroom. It was dark, as it had been for a while now and Oikawa barely shifted in the bed as Iwaizumi sat next to him, placing a gentle hand over the blankets covering Oikawa's shoulder. "Tooru, wake up."

"What?" Oikawa snapped, pulling the blankets over his head and curling further in on himself.

"Please eat something today. I know you don't want to, but you really have to today, okay?"

"No." Iwaizumi sighed and removed his hand, placing it in his lap and staring down at the heap of blankets that used to be his boyfriend.

"Please? I can't give you the medication if you haven't eaten." He said, hating himself for having to stoop so low. He shook himself, trying to convince himself that it was okay to do that if it was for Tooru, if it meant that he would eat something. He also hated the fact that it was the only way he could get Oikawa to do anything anymore.

"Fine."

 

"I can come get you. There's no shame in living with your parents at this age, Hajime." His mother chided, the static of the phone getting on his nerves as he paced their living room.

"No, he needs me mom. You don't understand, I... don't think he could make it on his own. I'm scared to leave him now, you know?"

"I know, but think of yourself Hajime. This isn't good for you and it really isn't your responsibility to take care of him. He is an adult after all." Iwaizumi sighed and bit his lip, wishing with everything in him that he'd never had to have this conversation. There was something very final in the words that came out of his mouth next.

"It is my responsibility, mom. I loved him once."

 

"Come on, Tooru. You have to go - you'll never get any better if you don't." Iwaizumi had managed to get Oikawa bathed and dressed, but getting him out of the door and to the physiotherapist was a whole other battle.

"Maybe I don't want to get better." Oikawa spat, wincing as he pulled his injured knee to his chest.

"Yes, you do. I know you do." Iwaizumi said gently, his face softening as he looked at the other man. The way he sat almost reminded him of how Tooru used to be - with a childish pout on his lips and his arms wrapped around himself as if he needed protecting.

"You don't know anything about me." Oikawa mumbled into his knees, sadness tainting his words.

"What?"

"You can leave if you want to. I won't stop you." The words were soft and hesitant, almost as if Iwaizumi was never meant to hear them - he wished that he hadn't.

"Stop speaking nonsense Tooru. What gave you that idea?" Oikawa looked up and into Iwaizumi's eyes.

"'I loved him once.'" He copied perfectly, a tear following his words and dripping onto his cold and shaky hands. Iwaizumi was frozen in place, disbelief coloring his eyes.

"You... but, I... you-" He stuttered, unable to string his thoughts together into a coherent sentence.

"I heard your phone call with your mom. She's right, you know." He took a long, shaky breath and smiled at Iwaizumi with tears in his eyes. "I'll be just fine, Iwa-chan.")

 

He left a long time after that conversation. He'd wanted to try, to fall in love with Tooru all over again because he knew he could, if Tooru tried too - but he didn't. He was completely convinced that Iwaizumi would be better off without him and Iwaizumi had almost wished that he was wrong.

 

Oikawa Tooru had died two weeks later of a morphine overdose. Iwaizumi blamed himself, even knowing that it really wasn't his fault, but also knowing that his leaving was probably the final nail in the coffin that Oikawa had been building himself for years.


End file.
